A month of Sundays....

Dear Tallulah -

Once again, we have guests in the house....you remember that Kevin had his mother and step father here after Christmas. Now we have friends of Kevins who knew him in Germany while he was still in the Air Force. Now normally, I love to have company....I enjoy entertaining and especially cooking for friends or guests. However, you also know that since Kevin thinks nobody suspects that he is Gay and wants to keep it that way, I am 'delegated' to my own, separate bedroom and while his friends or family is here, I become his 'straight roommate'. I guess denial runs very deep because I cannot imagine anyone really buying this story - anyone who knows anything about the situation as a whole.....and his friends and family know this:
Kevin is 46 and NEVER lived with anyone in his whole life until we met.
Kevin has never married.
Kevin has never had a steady girlfriend and while he still likes to call himself bisexual (because at one time he was able to sleep with women) he has not been with a woman sexually in over 7 years.
I have been living with Kevin for 5 years.
Kevin and I lived in Hawaii and then he retired from the military after 20 years of service and moved to Washington State....I "followed" him.

Do the math. No, I do not think anyone with half a brain buys Kevins story.

I have always operated under the premise that who I am, when people get to know me - is, "Steve"...after a while they may come to know that I am gay, but I am not "The Gay Guy", who's name is Steve. I am Steve...I happen to be gay. There is a big difference. I have never openly walked around and proclaimed my 'gayness' to the world, however, when asked, I have never lied about it either...this includes my parents who asked when I was 16. I told them. Contrary to some beliefs, I did not CHOOSE to be gay, I don't REALLY want to be a woman, and NO, I don't know your cousin Ray who just came out of the closet....I would have to check the National Gay Roster first to see if we have ever crossed paths. I don't know how to cut hair, or do your makeup....I do like Liza, some musicals and yes, I dress well and care how I look. However, I also know how to fight like a man and have doled out more than one smack down on a big mouthed homophobe. Enough said.

Back to the guests....for the next week, I have my own bedroom and pretend to be Kevins roommate. This often involves perpetuating several lies in order to help Kevin think he is still safely in his closet. I hate this.....all of it....especially the lying. Personally, if you don't like me, FUCK OFF! I have never formed my sense of self worth around what other people think about me. It is that simple. I didn't do it with my parents, I never did it for friends, employers or neighbors. If you have some problem with who I am, I really don't want or need you in my life. Kevin, obviously, hasn't reached this plateau yet.
When I met Kevin, he was in the military and had 20 years of service under his belt. He had alot to lose if anyone found out he is gay. I understood this. I knew the job was dangerous when I took it. I signed the contract, accepted the baggage and have really tried to adopt a "Live and Let Live" approach to how Kevin operates.
What really bothers me, is that the same people that we lie to really could not care less about who Kevin is sleeping with. His mother might, but she would get over it. Mine got over it.
The German friends tho, the neighbors, even the clerks in the grocery stores....I can see in their eyes and how they speak to us, how they relate to us....that they know. They treat Kevin and I as a couple and rightly so. We are. So for me to have to spend the night in a spare bedroom while we have guests, pretend to have a different closet, lie about having to move my things out of MY bathroom and into Kevins so the guests will have their own space....all of that has become a bone of contention between Kevin and I. However, I will not "OUT" Kevin. I would not have wanted anyone to do that to me, and I just won't go there. I do however point out that it's just not right and I don't like it. I told Kevin, "Imagine me having some of my Southern relatives over for a visit and me delegating you to the back bedroom because you are Black. Try to imagine....how you would feel...how it would eat at you to cook for these people, have them in your home, take them places, treat them to a night in Seattle. It's not right." I could see the light change in his eyes, the way eyes tighten slightly and reflect a change in thinking....while what I said seemed obvious to me, it was clear he had never thought about this before. He went back to his, "I told you it would be like this when we met." defense. I responded, "Just because I knew about it, or that you warned me, doesn't make it right." It was clear he understood in new way.

We are all works in progress and I have no idea what 20 years in the military might do to a gay man and his sense of self. 20 years of conditioning won't come undone overnight and there are signs of progress. Two of our neighbors, on separate occasions, have asked how long Kevin and I have been together. Before the lies can come from his lips, I have answered them truthfully....then they talk about something else...it's great to see Kevins reaction when he realizes that they don't care if we are gay...and they still treat us with respect.
It's uncomfortable for him, but growth usually feels like that.

Now, his parents are coming for another visit, I think I told you...FOR THREE WEEKS...obviously a whole other letter. When time drags in the South, you experience a "Month of Sundays"...I'm sure those three weeks may as well be three months.
Thanks for the mention in your blog....I sent out a notice on facebook, but have had little reaction thus far....how did you "promote" your blogs, aside from the CNN thing? I still haven't heard much from Courtney, but her plate is full at the moment. Our other alumni says she is checking flights so she can come visit the same time you and Courtney will be here....should be fun.
Still waiting for the Germans to wake up so I can open the Omelet bar. Beyond that, I am again participating in lunch time Middle East Peace talks as well as spending the afternoon consulting with Sonia Satomayor over some of the tougher questions she is facing. After that, perhaps I will clean the fish tank. Monday is usually blue sweater day, but I have thrown caution to the wind and am wearing red. This is how I roll.

Write when you can.
Kisses....mon petite possum.

Steve