Dear Tallulah -

Just writing this at this moment makes me feel better because it is a connection to you, intimate and soft. I need that.
So the evening goes like this...
Kevin and the Germans return from Bowling...happy, "up"...they know a great dinner is being prepared and they have brought the "surf" to the turf that I already have marinating. I tell them to play "Knitchtch"...the German version of Yahtzee and that dinner will be ready in an hour. The air above the kitchen is full and laughter and talk and foreign language and translations and joy is present. I grate lemon zest, reduce white wine, steam asparagus, spear whole mushrooms, warm plates, fold napkins, and lay the silverware with abandon.
Dinner is a great success...even more than I had planned as there is NO conversation...everyone is too busy chewing and poised to shovel in the next bite....and all plates are cleaned minus a lemon rind and parsley sprig. I clean as I cook so there is no need to negotiate who will do dishes and then coffee is served.
Almost immediately, a game of UNO is begun....someone lost, someone won...new game, somebody else lost, somebody else won. Time for a cigarette....everyone moves almost en masse to the front door...and it continues....for an hour or more: jokes, games, translations, laughter....and things wind down...slows...the heavy meal sets in, truly settles, and the call of sleep approaches - stealthily but with sure foot. And we start to grow quieter, but quieter together, as friends.
THEN....the question comes from Steffan, "When did you come out.?"

HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT...I thought we were just puffing a toke out here dude....But it sounded like this: 'Vhen did jhou comen s "out".?" And in a nice way, really, just a German guy trying to get to the truth.

I had hoped for this moment, in front of Kevin, and thought it out even, my answer....yet, here it was - -and I was caught off guard!! Kevin was standing behind Steffan, and I could see his eyes and they flashed, like mine had at the shock of reality slapping you on the cheek and then the words came...out of my mouth. "I was very young, I was 16...." and l let the words, no.... let the admission hang in what I felt had become VERY thick air....thinking the response would super-stun-shit-kick the next words that would be required out of my mouth, or at least spur a new question. I darted my eyes to Kevin...he was standing behind Steffan...and with that subtle open-eye lidded communication of : "I see you and I understand" glare, I asked Kevin to join me in the truth.

*** Breathe**** Right now****Take A Moment**** It's imperative.

Kevin added nothing.
Steffan changed the subject. To him it was a "non-moment". He spoke of other things.

And suddenly I was left....alone....the "gay" guy - and questions ensued. There was a sudden ringing in my ears and I understood the questions and I answered...but as a LONE ENTITY...I had no backup...my lips and chin were betraying my superstar icy exterior and they quivered as I attempted to catch Kevin's eye. We had never had a falling out, so to speak, but we were about to.....