Lab Coats and the Air in Macy's

Dear Tallulah -

I was curious about your 'make-over' trip where you actually had fake lashes put on. I was wondering if you did it more for fun, or because you were suckered into it. Now, I have spend alot of time with makup people, facialists and the like, and I still find myself suckered. I went to Macy's recently and what struck me, after I left was how they attempt to create an aura of superiority by wearing those lab looking coats, as if to insinuate that they have some sort of medical authority to instruct you on what products to use. I was passing the Clinique counter, something caught my eye and I sidled up to the display, just eyeing what was there, half interested really. A Lab coat approached and stopped near me. I looked up to catch it looking at me with this half lidded, well manicured scrutiny. It acted like I had caught it in the act of making it's assessment and quickly erased the look and replaced it with a fake, closed lip smile. I looked away hoping not to encourage nor engage. It was too late,...."I see your problem." it said. "I think I can help you." it continued. (WTF! ) I'm sure my eyebrows briefly scrunched in surpise and I quickly acted as if I hadn't heard it....all the encouragement it needed to continue. Dammit. I am aware of all these tactics and yet I still took the bait. Were my pores large enough for her to crawl into? Was I so oily my eyebrows were doomed to just slide off my face? If I was lucky, she just saw a booger and would hand me a kleenex. No such luck. "With these four products we can address the simple issues that affect us as we age." it half wispered. GASP, it was worse than I thought. I am aging. Double Dammit. I quickly turned to the mirror it had slyly pushed into my elbow and I leaned into it, closer to it...... the Lab coat too, hoping the PA system announcements would cease. Convinced all of Macy's had ceased operation and turned its attention to the Clinique counter, I quickly whipped out my wallet and I felt I earned some sort of gold star when it flashed a genuine smile, the Lab coat was pleased. I had somehow appeased it. "You've made a great decision. I'm sure these six products will fully begin to rectify your quick descent into the geriatric phase of skin problems." Well, something along those lines. It was hard to hear over the rushing blood in my ears and the adreneline rush fear causes was making me light headed. I don't even think I could pick which credit card....it would have been easier to sign over the deed to my home at this point so I just sort of offered my whole wallet, in open palm style and pleaded with my eyes, "Make it quick." It nodded, knowingly, a touch of saddness even, how many cases a day like this had it seen? So I quickly signed something and held open my bag like a trick or treater as it dumped the 8 products I had purchased inside. It patted my hand, releasing me from it's nefarious grip and with the "I've just given you another gold star" smile, instructed me to return in three weeks for a free re-evaluation and product update. I slowly backed away, clutching my 10 miracle tubes of rejuvination and promise of youth restored. I came out of my trance later, at home....back in normal lighting, as I arranged my 12 Clinique products on the bathroom counter and happend to notice I had, yet again, spent the equivalent of a months worth of groceries on something I knew better than to purchase. I have to wonder what Macys pumps thru its air ducts and I picture you at home, back in flattering light, with those fake spiders glued to your eye lids....only you just giggle and pull them off....while I have to set my alarm an hour earlier to accomodate the 14 new skin care treatments that are guaranteed to restore my youth. I am a sucker.
Fucking Lab coats!