Egg on Momma's Face...

Dear

Tallulah,

Picking up from my last letter....

I told Kevin at some point that I knew Mary had no intention of ever cooking during her stay. I knew this because I heard her say it. The guest room is right next to 'my room'. I heard Mary talking on the phone, more than once. I wasn't eavesdropping; there was no way NOT to hear her. I don't know who she was speaking with, but the continuing refrain that caught my attention was always, "I'm supposed to be on vacation!"....as in, "I'm not going in that kitchen, I'm supposed to be on vacation! Let Archie make dinner." Let me add quickly that around day 5 Kevin had offered to do some laundry for his mother and Archie. I have to say that Kevin LOVES to do laundry and he LOVES his front loading washer and dryer. They are not too complicated, but if you are used to a simple washer with a dial and a start button, ours can appear overwhelming...so Kevin offered to do it for them. Mary said she could do her own laundry and Kevin said the machine might be hard to figure out and Mary laughed adding something along the lines of "I was doing laundry before you were born, I'm sure I can figure it out." Anyway, just keep that little tid-bit in mind. When I suggested to Kevin on day 5 that it would be a good night to eat out, giving me a kitchen break, I was in no way suggesting that he try to get Mary to cook, like she said she was going to....even though I was looking forward to tasting some of her meals that Kevin has bragged about. I KNEW Mary had no intention of cooking because she was supposed to be on vacation.

The next morning I slept in some. There was really not too much of a reason to get out of bed at this point. No day trips had been planned. The TV downstairs and the computer would be taken over and if I got up too early, I might be tempted to make breakfast for everyone too, but I was standing my ground. I can deal with nightly dinner fixing, but I was not going to be roped into three meals a day for another two weeks. I was awakened by the sound of something being slammed...repeatedly. I opened my bedroom door and found Mary in the laundry room standing in front of the washing machine, on the phone, with her back to me. I don't know who she was talking to but, again, I hear, "I don't know why I'm trying to do this....I'm supposed to be on vacation!" I backed up and shut my bedroom door behind me to announce my presence. See....still trying to be polite. Mary turned in my direction, a little startled and ended her phone call. I was tempted to just walk by, but I asked if she needed help and kept my sarcastic thoughts to myself. I did say, "I know I heard you tell Kevin you could figure out any washer..." in an amiable way, "..but this one is difficult." I added a second or two later. I got her clothes started for her and offered a quick tutorial, but she insisted that Kevin would finish her laundry for her. Whatever.

After a hot shower, I went downstairs for my coffee. Both Archie and Mary were in the kitchen. Three cabinet doors were wide open and they were obviously in the early stages of deciding to make themselves something to eat. GOOD. I left them alone and they both watched me, kinda over their shoulder, as I filled my coffee mug. I knew their staring at me was an invitation to ask if they were OK, or needed anything.....I ignored them.

Mary asks, "Where's the bacon?"

I know it came out sarcastic, but it was said humorously and with out a bite .... "Oh, you can't find it in the cabinets? Must be in the fridge then.", I offered.

Archie called me a smart ass and laughed.

I went to the fridge and pulled out the bacon then asked if they wanted the eggs too.

"Yeah", said Mary, "And some cheese and green onions."

Archie had already slipped into the living room and was again searching for the Golden Girls.

I pulled out some cheese and green onions for Mary and as I was placing them on the counter she turned, started to walk out of the kitchen and says:

"While you're at it, you might as well make me an omelet."

That was it. Enough of this shit. Maybe she could pull this on Kevin, but Archie was preoccupied, Kevin was at work and it was just her and me now. I briefly thought of being tactful, but some people need it plain and blunt. I usually reserve tact for people too stupid to understand sarcasm and having been on the receiving end of Mary all week, I knew she was too conniving to be taken as stupid.

"Look, Mary, I know you're supposed to be on vacation, but the omelet bar is officially closed. If you want an omelet every morning, and lunch every afternoon...to be made for you, I think you should go to the Casino down the road and have it. You could even pay for a room there and they could do your laundry too. I'm thinking you're confused as to my 'role' here, for lack of a better word...but it's not to wait on you hand and foot. I PAY to be here...no one is paying me." I had to elude to the fact that I pay rent, which I don't. I put the down payment on the house that Kevin and I live in. Kevin is paying that back by covering the mortgage for the first 3years or so...but I couldn't say that.

"Well, what is your 'role' here? Since you brought it up, 'cause people ask me that." I was surprised at Mary's boldness but I was also glad this was coming to head now and we weren't going to have to pussy around it for another 2 weeks.

"Ask you what?" I wanted to know. I mean I KNEW, I just wanted to hear her say it.

"If you and Kevin are gay....people ask me that, you know." she replied. She was uncomfortable and trying to hide the fact by getting louder. I know my lack of shock caught her off guard. Straight men are supposed to act indignant when they are told that people might suspect they are gay...at least I knew that's what she thought. I wasn't biting.

"So what?" I shot back. "There are worst things than that, LOTS worse. And even if we were gay" Yes, I was still attempting to protect Kevin here..."who's business would it be?"

"It's my business." Mary said with motherly authority. "I want Kevin to be happy."

I asked, "And if he was gay, then he couldn't possibly be happy? Kevin's happy Mary, and if his happiness depended on being married and having children, like you want, I think he would have done it."

She raised her voice again...and her indignation, "How do you know he's happy? 'Cause he's with you!?"

I had seconds here...less than that really. It was right in front of me and I could answer, "Yes, because he's with me." and end this bull shit. If I waited too long to answer, it would be the same as saying yes. If I showed shock at the question, my change in countenance would be the same as saying yes. Should I protect Kevin and his wishes to remain in the closet....should I out myself and effectively Kevin too? I had no time to think here.

"I know he's happy, Mary, because we talk and because we live in the same house." I said in an over calm and confident voice, absolutely sure of myself and knowing I was right too. I had let the opportunity pass...but gave neither a confirmation or denial. I also couldn't help myself from smirking a little. I knew how uncomfortable Mary was and her anger was her only protection. On some level, I had pushed her right into this very conversation and I realized, while she was saying and asking what I wanted her to, it was more for my benefit than hers. I don't think she wanted a confirmation, not really. She was looking for the denial. It never came and her face dropped a little when she realized it wasn't going to come.

Archie piped up here and said, "No way Kevin is gay, not with the way he talks about women." I made a mental note of that...Kevin was having 'pussy' conversations with his step-dad?

"I can't imagine my mother intruding on my personal life like this." I added when I realized that Archie was done.

"Well, Kevin's already put me in my place about this anyway." she said.

I feigned ignorance, still playing my hand close to my chest.

"He told me to stay out of his business in the car yesterday...that he didn't need me to help him find a woman or anything. So we already talked about this."

Time for the final blow.

"I know. He told me." I said. And he had. I don't know if Kevin was sick of hearing her go on and on about a wife and kids, or if he saw my fading patience in listening to it... but he had told her to butt out. My saying that I knew he had told Mary to butt out was all the confirmation I would give and all the lack of denial she was gonna get. We both knew what I was saying and what had been said. The slippery thing was, what I hadn't said was what she and I were both focused on. Mary's mouth actually dropped open slightly, but she caught herself. Those five little words had signed, sealed and delivered the very coupe d'gras I had intended. "I know. He told me." Mary may have thought that she was more privy to Kevin and his inner thoughts than anyone else, after all they spoke on the phone at least four times a day...even while she was visiting...AND she is his mother... but, I live with him. I had just put her in her place and repositioned my self as roost ruler and we both knew it. Mentally, I was smacking her imagined tiara off her chubby little head and bad hair weave. Mary turned sharply and went upstairs.

I made myself an omelette.

Now...what to tell Kevin about all this.?

TO BE CONTINUED...