The 'Outing'

CONT…

I truly believe that when you concentrate hard on something, “it” is put out into the universe and the universe responds. It’s like that moment when you need a quarter for the pay phone and don’t have one. Then you find one on the ground. Most of the time we dismiss such a coincidence as just that, but I believe there is something divine that we attract in these moments through our energy. Aside from all my concentration on NOT outing Kevin, the energy in the house was this odd focus on the relationship between Kevin and me. Mary was determined to either undermine what I had been trying to build with Kevin for the last 5 years or find out the exact nature of our relationship and it didn’t seem like I was going to be able to do anything but go along for the ride. The universe was already conspiring to respond though.
Frankly, I am tired of talking about Kevin’s mother, Mary already. I allowed her to rent far too much space in my head for the whole time she was here visiting. I told Kevin about the run-in I had with Mary in the kitchen. His main concern of course was whether or not I had actually confirmed her suspicions or not. I had not and Kevin was dismissive of the whole incident. As long as he was still in the closet, I guess he was thinking that he could deal with anything else. Of course, neither one of us knew that I would, in fact, indirectly “out” him before the month was up. Not to his mother, unfortunately, though. Kevin has spent 30 years creating an image of himself for the world to see and undoing his handiwork requires baby steps. This blog would be the catalyst for what I hope is a series of progressing baby steps. I know you keep asking why I put up with all of this, but please understand, there is love involved, 5 years of invested time, and 96% of my life with Kevin is great. Three weeks out of the 260 we have spent together is not grounds for divorce, in my mind.

Anyway, after I would butt heads with Mary, I always extended an olive branch. I fully intend to be an indirect part of her life, through Kevin, for awhile, so no need to burn bridges, right? After an altercation, I would go out front and cut some roses to put in her room, on the nightstand by her side of the bed. I did this several times, and it was my way of saying that I still respected her enough, as Kevin’s mother, to make sure that her stay was pleasant and I thought it was a nice gesture. It didn’t require words and like several other things, I found out after she left that she really appreciated it. That simple act of giving her fresh flowers, almost daily, may have been what kept things from completely falling apart.
Needless to say, I survived the whole visit, but not without quite a bit of collateral damage. I had lost a huge amount of respect for Kevin and did not gain any for Mary. When Kevin said we would be roommates ….he really meant it and he played his part to the hilt. I was unable to even sneak into our bedroom at night to steal a kiss or hug from him. I tried. Even though Mary and Archie were downstairs watching TV, Kevin would have none of it for fear of being caught…at least that’s what he said. In reality, his mother had gotten him to “thinking”, about how his choices concerning me were impacting his ‘image’ mostly. His mother could just not wrap her mind around me, as a ‘roommate’. It didn’t make sense to her and with good reason…it was because of her having one hand tied behind her back that I was always able to return to a space of graciousness and not completely go off on her. I don’t blame her for acting like a mom, truly, but Kevin needs to set clear boundaries with her, especially when she is visiting.

So now they are gone and in their wake, I am left feeling hurt, lonely, betrayed and of course, I was dying to have it out with Kevin. I finished gathering my thoughts and processing what I could, but decided to just confront Kevin, diving in and seeing what his thoughts or feelings were.
You would think that after three weeks, both Kevin and I would be totally up for some hugging and kissing and hot sex. Honestly, it was the last thing on my mind. No matter what the circumstances are, I have always trusted Kevin to honor and protect me. My trust had been shattered and there was no way I was going to give of myself intimately to him. Even if he had wanted to, which I found out he did not, I felt that having sex would have been a reward and he was in no way deserving. I didn’t even want to kiss him or hug him. However, I did want to know why he didn’t want to hug or kiss me.
Mary and Archie left early on Saturday morning. Kevin spent the weekend and Monday in his own world…barely talking, sad because his parents were gone and he said NOTHING about their stay...no apologies...no feelings to share….NOTHING….and I thought, OK, he doesn't know how I am really feeling, or, he doesn't know what to say....Kevin has never been good with apologies and frankly he is often short sighted and too into himself to evaluate where he might be wrong. He really lacks the ability to empathize and understand exactly how his words or actions affect others...his whole approach to the world is often based solely on how HE is feeling...so if he says or does something hurtful and it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass, then no harm done...at least that's my interpretation.

“You're just going to ignore the last three weeks, aren't you...and hope it all goes away?” I finally said to him Monday evening.
“What do you mean?” he said.
Honestly, as if he didn’t have a clue. Fucker. I got mad.
“It’s been hell for me, here, the past three weeks, and here's an idea Kevin...say to me, ‘Thank you for putting up with my mother and thank you for putting up with my bullshit and hers’, because it is bullshit, Kevin...’I know how hard it was or must have been for you, but you still made my parents comfortable and I don't know what I was thinking when I invited them here for so long, knowing you would have to spend more time with them than me. I really need to come to some conclusion about what to tell them and my friends, because I see that hiding and lying is a behavior that is not working now that I am in a relationship. I really would like to make it up to you, but I don't know how or what to say." I responded, incredulous. It all came rushing out as if I’d been practicing it, which I hadn’t. I had had plenty of time to sort of script out an approach, but this was purely off the cuff. Now, part of the dynamic between Kevin and me does NOT include arguments…it just never has. My anger and the raising of my voice was pretty new to him and drove my points home. I learned early on, as did Kevin, that yelling and arguing was just not a productive way for us to communicate. It just never worked as well as waiting for a time when we were both receptive and talking calmly. But, I was too pissed to care.
He said, "Is that what you want to hear?"
I said, "Yes… or some variation of that." He would not indulge me though. What he did say was,
“I’m just confused and thinking about some things my mom said.”
It amazed me that I was the one that was upset, and hurt, yet the conversation was now going to become about HIM? I played along for a second.
“What...what are you thinking, what did your mom say, and what are you feeling?”
“I don’t know.” replied Kevin. That just set me off again.
“That's an eight year-old's answer. An adult does not spend three days brooding over inner turmoil and not know what he's thinking or feeling. You’re coming across as emotionally stunted. If you are telling me that we can spend 5 years building a life together and your mother can show up and in three weeks begin to undo what you have already decided makes you happy by making a few comments about you needing to get married, or having kids, which you hate anyway, don't you see how that would affect me? Don't you see how threatening that is? AND what if I just stopped talking to you? Just stopped. No reason given, like you’ve pretty much done since Saturday, and then in all other aspects, tried to make you think you were crazy and that everything was fine? This is not the way you treat someone that you love, Kevin. Since they have left, we have not kissed, or hugged, or snuggled and here I am thinking, thank God, they're gone, now we can get back to our life and really, they might as well have stayed...because you are still acting like we are just roommates.” I said in another rush of words and pent up emotions.
He actually said something about trying to make himself CELIBATE, to see if he could do it or some stupid shit along those lines, to see if it was possible to approach the idea of doing what would make his mother happy… CRAZY, STUPID, misguided, just nuts I thought!
“How about this,” I began, “ you stop feeding your sick little secret, stop giving it and your mother so much power and come clean...You've been skirting around the fact that you're gay since high school...and you always come back to your true nature...if I wasn't with you, you'd be trolling Craigslist and Gay.com again....NOT trying to find a girlfriend, or a wife, or to have kids...Will your mother stop loving you?... NO…Will the world stop spinning…NO...Man the hell up, get over yourself, snap the fuck out of it and stop acting like an 8 year old caught in some nefarious web...you've created this situation, and you know how to extract yourself....it's like you keep hitting this brick wall...so you back up and instead of taking a left or right turn, you slam yourself into it again and again, and each time, you expect something different to happen.” I was on a roll. I didn’t even need to hear him say what he was confused about…I knew.
“I don’t have any answers right now…I’m still processing everything.” he offered weakly.
I didn’t really want to, but I kept getting louder and said, “Then why don't you SAY that then? You have given me nothing...you could have said that on Saturday, or Sunday, or 10 minutes ago... “
So the rest of the evening, he tried to suck up and he kept asking me why I was so quiet, what's wrong now?...I said the same thing is wrong...UNBELIEVABLE!
“I told you how I felt and just because it's expressed, doesn't mean there is a resolution...I'm sick of everything being solely on your terms...I played that bullshit game for three weeks with your parents and now it's time for you to think about ME...now fuck off...!”

I was pissed, and that's where I was. Wednesday, he came home and asked if he was still in the dog house...wouldn't it just be a matter of time before he got out of the dog house?... I said, “No, some answers and a direction for us to take as a COUPLE will get you out of the dog house...”
He said, “Are you just trying to give me a taste of my own medicine?” referring to my silence.

“I’m not playing a game, Kevin. I'm hurt and waiting for your adult response to some real issues that are important to me. I want answers….or I want counseling, or I want out.”

That's pretty much where we left it. This morning he was all kissy and trying to be nice before he left and I just won't have any of it. I am so happy to be home alone and loving the quiet and the space. It’s exhausting being mad, so I needed a break from that too. Then the phone rang…It was Stefan, from Germany. You remember, he and his girlfriend, Katrin had just stayed with us before Archie and Mary came to stay. I had to play the straight roommate when they were here too.
I told Stefan that Kevin was at work, but that he had his cell phone with him.
Stefan said, “No, I wanted to talk to you. I have read your blog, “Dear Tallulah.”

Oh Fuck! I didn't think the universe would use this route.

TO BE CONTINUED…