The Birdcage...

Dear Tallulah,

It really surprised me that I had not told you in any of our conversations that I don't drink anymore. In total, I have not had a drink in almost 10 years, tho there was a slip about 5 years ago. Since I have trouble keeping things short, this may have to come in installments.

When I returned from modeling in Japan for Coca-Cola, I entered into one of my first long term relationships with a guy who came to Hawaii to visit his ex-fiance, who was renting a room from me in Waikiki. We had a two week whirlwind romance that I thought for sure would end when it came time for him to return to LA. Brandon was just a couple of years older than me and he loved visiting Hawaii, but living there was not to be. We decided as a couple to move to San Francisco. Looking back we were a pair of young kids playing house, but at the time, it was real and substantial....we had a beautiful house, a dog, we threw dinner parties, both of our careers took off and we thrived. We took vacations, shopped without much care to cost, attended all the latest plays, and our families often visited and stayed with us. I had begun a career in hotel management and worked from 6am to 2pm...giving me time to hit the local produce market and come home in time to cook gourmet dinners for Brandon and myself after walking the dog in a nearby park. It was idyllic...we were young, successful, independent.

I drank every day the whole 8 years we were together.

I start the story here, not because it's where I started drinking, but because it's where my consuming alcohol crossed from being fun and became an issue, a necessity, and an addiction. Why alcohol and not another drug....could have been anything that worked quickly, frankly. Instant Gratification took too long and alcohol was quicker than pills, didn't require rolling or chopping or calls to a supplier, and it was legal.

When Brandon came to Hawaii, he was on vacation. I lived and worked in Waikiki. Mostly tho, I played there. I lived about 1/2 block from where I worked at Canlis Restaurant...at the time, a swanky place that happened to be right next door to Hula's...THE gay club in all of Honolulu. Next door to Hula's was a block long strip of up and coming gay friendly, or gay-owned businesses....Hamburger Mary's, 80% Straight, various clothing stores and of course the obligatory video shop. I went to work at about 2pm, got off work at 11pm, went home, changed and went clubbing until dawn, then slept until it was time to do it all over again. Most of my friends did the same. So when Brandon showed up on his vacation...he just joined me in my routine. When we got to San Francisco, I simply continued my behaviors, minus the clubs. Brandon did not do the same, yet, he had no clue as to how much or often I drank for about the first 4 years we were together. I would drink mostly as I cooked in the kitchen and while I would have a bottle of beer on the counter for show, my real drinking was limited to the vodka I hid in the pantry. I bought a pint on the way home and carried the empty bottle out with me in the morning. On weekends, I drank what we had in the house for parties and if I drank too much, I poured water into the liquor bottles to keep them looking full, until I could replace it with real liquor during the week. From the outside looking in, and for me, looking back...these were obvious signs that my drinking was out of control...but while it was happening, I held a job, paid bills, advanced my career, and rarely stepped outside of myself enough to recognize that something was not right. I did not actively understand that I was feeding an addiction. I did know that I woke up "shaky"....withdrawals....and hungover....and that I couldn't wait to get home from work, so I could have my first drink of the day. Understand, I never overshot the runway here....I did not drink at work and really was a model employee.

To keep this focused on me and not the relationship, I summarize here....Brandon and I broke up at one point, tho not over my drinking. He even moved out and went back to LA for a period of time. He came back and things were never the same. There was too much resentment and hurt. Try as we might to get things back to where they were, the next three years, our last three years, were spent growing apart, arguing, working too much ..... while marked with brief periods of amicability, I cannot look back upon this time and remember it as happy.

My first "public" black out became the bottom I needed to push me into recovery. I had started to drink very heavily and eat very little. I was between jobs and Brandon was travelling at least 4 out of 7 days of the week for his new job. On this particular day, I had started drinking vodka before noon....while I normally held out until after noon, this day I did not. By about 4pm, I got a wild hair across my ass and decided I needed to go dancing. I took a taxi to the Castro district...where all the gay clubs were. It was still too early to find an active dance club, but at least there was music....and men. I made the rounds to most of the clubs on the strip and at some point I noticed several young and cute Asian boys up ahead of me...on the sidewalk, next to their car. I remember only pieces of this, but I'm sure I was unable to walk straight and was surely slurring my words. However, I was able to flirt enough with these young boys to convince them to take me somewhere to dance....what did I promise them? Who knows....maybe they just hoped an opportunity would present itself...I'll never know. They took me to Haight/Ashbury to a club called Rockin Robins. It used to be a theatre, and where the seats should have been, there was now a dance floor. The stage, however, I could see upon entering the club, was where the management invited the "Cool" people to dance....and that's the last thing I remember....heading to the stage, ditching the Asian boys ...KNOWING... that I would dance on the stage. It was about 7pm.

Fast Forward.....11:30 pm.....I slowly become aware of my surroundings...there is music, loud....cigarette smoke....my legs hurt, I am covered in sweat, I AM IN MY UNDERWEAR....and oh yeah, I am twenty feet above the dance floor in what appears to be a large bird cage.....

To Be Continued......