Dear Tallulah -
Well, where to start. Of course you know that Kevin’s mother and step father are here visiting, for three weeks. I think I sent you a short update on Monday, detailing my run in with Mary on Sunday, where I actually ended up calling her an Idiot….only took me four days. I should have paced myself better.
Kevin has this hang up: He will not come out of the closet with 98% of his friends and 100% of his family. It is his belief that none of them know, don’t need to know, will NEVER know, can’t know. I came “out” somewhere around 16 and just never looked back. I can’t even describe the inner turmoil that trying to keep something like that secret caused me, even at 16 years old. Actually, I don’t remember the inner turmoil, it was quite awhile ago, but I do know that I was absolutely compelled to free myself from having to pretend to be something I wasn’t. First, I didn’t know how to pretend to be straight…whatever that meant, and second, I just never cared about what ‘you’ thought of me enough to worry about changing something about myself for anyone other than me. I don’t know why I never cared….I mean, certainly in high school and even today, I want my friends to like me, but I don’t try to be something I am not to make ‘you’ my friend first….if we become friends - THEN I care about ‘you’ liking me. You know how God seems to give small animals VERY big egos and personalities to compensate for their lack of size?….Well, growing up gay 30 years ago was no easy task and God must have compensated for the trouble I would go thru, by removing my “I give a shit” gene. So having been nothing other than “ME” for all this time, I absolutely do not understand Kevin’s decision to remain in the closet. What does this have to do with his mother visiting? When she is here, as when Kevin’s friends visit, Kevin and I become roommates. No displays of affection, obviously, no stories about ‘us’, no sleeping in the same bed, no making lunch for Kevin as I do most mornings before he leaves for work at 5am….clothes must be moved into one of the guest rooms which then becomes MY room… the list of “don’t’s is really quite big and it’s silly and it’s a pain. However, I basically feel like since I have so little understanding of what it’s like to be in Kevin’s shoes in this respect that I really can’t comment or even help him. I will not ‘Out’ him, that is his business and while it is spilling into my life on some levels, I knew this when I met him, I agreed to play along, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it and I think it dumb to start complaining too much at this point….5 years later.
So, much preparation goes into Kevin’s friends or family coming to visit and I hate it every time….I make my displeasure known and then I deal with it as best as I can. Kevin’s friends are no big deal for the most part. I believe they all know or suspect anyway and just don’t care, but they play along with Kevin’s rules while in his world. Mary, Kevin’s mother is a different matter. She has made no secret of her feelings about gays and her disparaging and backhanded comments are probably a huge reason that Kevin won’t fess up to her. And it’s not like she doesn’t have her suspicions either…but when she asks, Kevin squashes her doubt and I remain silent. Now, I do speak up for the gay population, I’m not a pussy….but I don’t confirm her ideas about Kevin and I.
It completely chaps my ass that a Black, woman, who has no doubt experienced many forms of discrimination in her lifetime and has seen a nation finally begin to move past our history, by electing Obama into office would have the nerve to be discriminatory towards anyone or any group of people. The limited amount of discrimination I have felt over the years as a gay man has been enough that I am accepting of the most diverse groups you could imagine….I really don’t care if you are a Transgendered Jewish Republican Drug Addict Penguin Fucker….honestly….I don’t have to sleep with your penguin….rock on sister friend. Mary, however does seem to care and often makes her views known…and loudly. You can imagine what might happen over the course of three weeks when having her and me in the same house. She arrived last Thursday, so it's been about a week......If you can’t imagine what could transpire with Mary and I under the same roof, hang on and fasten your seatbelt…..
Well, where to start. Of course you know that Kevin’s mother and step father are here visiting, for three weeks. I think I sent you a short update on Monday, detailing my run in with Mary on Sunday, where I actually ended up calling her an Idiot….only took me four days. I should have paced myself better.
Kevin has this hang up: He will not come out of the closet with 98% of his friends and 100% of his family. It is his belief that none of them know, don’t need to know, will NEVER know, can’t know. I came “out” somewhere around 16 and just never looked back. I can’t even describe the inner turmoil that trying to keep something like that secret caused me, even at 16 years old. Actually, I don’t remember the inner turmoil, it was quite awhile ago, but I do know that I was absolutely compelled to free myself from having to pretend to be something I wasn’t. First, I didn’t know how to pretend to be straight…whatever that meant, and second, I just never cared about what ‘you’ thought of me enough to worry about changing something about myself for anyone other than me. I don’t know why I never cared….I mean, certainly in high school and even today, I want my friends to like me, but I don’t try to be something I am not to make ‘you’ my friend first….if we become friends - THEN I care about ‘you’ liking me. You know how God seems to give small animals VERY big egos and personalities to compensate for their lack of size?….Well, growing up gay 30 years ago was no easy task and God must have compensated for the trouble I would go thru, by removing my “I give a shit” gene. So having been nothing other than “ME” for all this time, I absolutely do not understand Kevin’s decision to remain in the closet. What does this have to do with his mother visiting? When she is here, as when Kevin’s friends visit, Kevin and I become roommates. No displays of affection, obviously, no stories about ‘us’, no sleeping in the same bed, no making lunch for Kevin as I do most mornings before he leaves for work at 5am….clothes must be moved into one of the guest rooms which then becomes MY room… the list of “don’t’s is really quite big and it’s silly and it’s a pain. However, I basically feel like since I have so little understanding of what it’s like to be in Kevin’s shoes in this respect that I really can’t comment or even help him. I will not ‘Out’ him, that is his business and while it is spilling into my life on some levels, I knew this when I met him, I agreed to play along, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it and I think it dumb to start complaining too much at this point….5 years later.
So, much preparation goes into Kevin’s friends or family coming to visit and I hate it every time….I make my displeasure known and then I deal with it as best as I can. Kevin’s friends are no big deal for the most part. I believe they all know or suspect anyway and just don’t care, but they play along with Kevin’s rules while in his world. Mary, Kevin’s mother is a different matter. She has made no secret of her feelings about gays and her disparaging and backhanded comments are probably a huge reason that Kevin won’t fess up to her. And it’s not like she doesn’t have her suspicions either…but when she asks, Kevin squashes her doubt and I remain silent. Now, I do speak up for the gay population, I’m not a pussy….but I don’t confirm her ideas about Kevin and I.
It completely chaps my ass that a Black, woman, who has no doubt experienced many forms of discrimination in her lifetime and has seen a nation finally begin to move past our history, by electing Obama into office would have the nerve to be discriminatory towards anyone or any group of people. The limited amount of discrimination I have felt over the years as a gay man has been enough that I am accepting of the most diverse groups you could imagine….I really don’t care if you are a Transgendered Jewish Republican Drug Addict Penguin Fucker….honestly….I don’t have to sleep with your penguin….rock on sister friend. Mary, however does seem to care and often makes her views known…and loudly. You can imagine what might happen over the course of three weeks when having her and me in the same house. She arrived last Thursday, so it's been about a week......If you can’t imagine what could transpire with Mary and I under the same roof, hang on and fasten your seatbelt…..
TO BE CONTINUED….
Steve, I love the way you write. The honesty and the clarity that you put into it, comes across so well. I look forward to your writings!!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to read the rest. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteA page turner (if there was a page) already! I second Tiffany and Tallulah's emotions. More, pLLease . . .
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if you might be able to renegotiate the contract so it goes something like this:
ReplyDeleteKevin in closet + parent's visiting = Kevin pays for Steve's 3 week spa, exotic, cruise, safari, anything, anywhere vacation with at least one friend, also paid, preferably ME!!!
As to his mother.....ugh. Have you asked her about any discrimination she or her mother or father or friends may have experienced in life and asked her how she felt about it? Although, not sure that would make a difference, but maybe it'll trigger something, somewhere that gives her pause for thought ;)
Hang in there and consider a spaaaaa vacation or trip to SF for some time off :)
xoh